Project 3) Get To The Point
A Farewell Roast to The Double G

Kim Logue says that the former boss and team she has recently departed is far too heart broken about her departure to acknowledge it in anyway. So, as usual, this hardworking employee is taking matters into her own hands. Her speech today has been "pre-approved" one VP and Director who said "you have captured the essence of working for GG." And her current boss who said, "Well... practice speaking with pauses, so people have time to laugh..."
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Unless it was such a great party that I've forgotten it, I’m throwing my own going away celebration, and you’re invited! Invited to laugh that is, at my saga of the impossible boss…Do I only get seven minutes?

Fellow Toastmasters, Double G Survivors and other Honoured Guests,
Please allow me to begin a Farewell Roast to the Double G.

I got the interview, with the former, impossible boss, when a friend of mine told him, that I am a buxom blonde.

I got the job, working for the Double G, when I turned out NOT to be another of the shrinking violet types HR kept sending him to interview for the position.

I think my former bossman liked the moxy with which I had just written a paper at NBF, for V8. My proposal was that, since the company paying for free drinks for staff all day anyway, why not offer healthier alternates than pop and coffee as well? You know, in order to be more cost effective by having nourished, strengthened employees.

The GG, on hearing that story during our interview, said “you want V8. I can get you V8.” And I did receive one warm bottle of the usually so tasty tomato juice on my very first day.

The very first moment I started working with The GG, I stopped feeling overqualified for the role. The corporate and investment banking world is so intense, and believe me, our CIB is King of the sweatshop! The GG then, is King of Kings and moves at about 2,000 miles an hour. He never even finishes his sentences!

I would jot down what ever he half uttered in my trusty black book, and then quote his blurt back to him later, so we could follow through and actually accomplish whatever his goals were on any given day.

When he wasn't Gone Golfing (out earning his nickname), he snapped his fingers at me, expected me to interpret conflicting facial expressions, had me say outrageous things to very important people and made me memorize how he likes his coffee from Tim Hortons versus his lattes from Timothy’s.

While I paid for them all with my own money! Imagine! An underpaid and overworked employee with a balance accruing on a visa card while I pay for my boss's refreshments during the day, because he was too busy to reach in his wallet to provide coffee money along with the demand to fetch it…

I remember pleading with another VP on the team to make my case for improved job parameters. His reply? Simply “Deaf Ears, my friend. Deaf ears.” and a shrug.

I tried, really tried to understand how to meet my job requirements. The best answer came from one of the VPs on the team who took the time to explain “My job is to fix the GG’s mess on the outside. Your job is to fix GG’s mess on the inside.”

This, incidentally, from the guy who cleans his office once every five years, and chose my brief tenure in the department as that exact window of opportunity. I guess he figured, why not, the boss was Gone Golfing and everyone else was cleaning out their office, through me, at the time! That guy was supposed to be my mentor as a rockstar too, but somehow the sacred axe he promised to loan me never materialized…

Do NOT get me started on missing items. I do not know if was lousy tipping habits or just the stupors clients and coworkers could drink him into, but many-a-credit-card left for many-a-bar-tab went missing, and ended up on MY things to solve list.

And please note, I never got to go out for beers!

As for the rest of the team, it was as if I’d given them, his carefully selected for their likeness team, these instructions (compiled from various internet sources) on how to enhance the relationship with the assistant:
1. Never assign work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing! Really, do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do…
2. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It allows creative responses when someone asks where you are or assumes that you've Gone Golfing!
3. When the my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don’t open the door, or otherwise pitch in – just comment on how working out obviously makes me strong. And, be sure to invite me the next time you need your heavy golf giveaways carried down from marketing.
4. When, as a team, you assign more than one job, don’t mention which is a priority. Let me guess!
5. If you have special instructions for a job save them til the job is almost done!
And, finally, if it’s a rush job, run in and interrupt every 2 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.

In conclusion, I would like to offer these tips to his official new keeper, about the best way to survive your new assignment with the Double G. First, chose your battles carefully. Second, cry to make your point.

And, remember, his saving grace is he KNOWS he is impossible, so you can tell him so..

Since he has a sense of humour!
Or so I hope, since I've proceeded with a farewell roast.
Thanks for listening. And for laughing